10 Holiday Language Rants or Less. Fewer. Lesser?

I know what you're thinking, Dear Reader.

You got to this blog by some unhappy mis-click and now you're going: "Oh, fantastic--yet another malcontent grammarian armchair-language-nazi on the warpath, kvetching for the world to see about the perfectly innocent mistakes people make in their daily use of language. 

I know you're thinking that. Also, you're right.

Well--you're mostly right. It's true that I have a few things to say about the wholesale, unmitigated slaughter of the English tongue  going on around us (and it's not the only tongue being vivisected, either), but I'm not just here to complain. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm here mostly to complain, but that's not the only card up my stylish sleeve. 

Language is a living thing. It informs and guides all our actions and decisions, presents a context within which we are able to experience the world, and most importantly it gives us the power as a species to convey thoughts and feelings more complex than: "Ggguhh?" "Ggunnhh!"

Most of the time. 

The rest of the time, we seem to think of language these days as an inconvenient obstacle between us and our imminent X-box time, something to be plowed through in order to get on to more pressing matters. We butcher our language, we really do. I feel physical pain when I see signs like the one above. I cry a little when I phone for pizza and hear: "ThakyouforchooyDominocanyoupleezold?" I want to commit violent homicide when I see an advertisement for "comfortable, homely window treatments." 

My point isn't that people are irredeemably ignorant or stupid (though some certainly are), it's just that greater care needs to be taken. Language should be taken care of and revered, not thrown out with the bath-water. 

From now on, I'll be sharing my thoughts, musings, wonderings, questions, epiphanies, flashes of brilliant insight, and snarky complaints on an approximately weekly basis. I hope you read (or at least skim), comment, correct, and emphatically agree with or logically molotov-cocktail my notions. And, if you don't, then I was right; it was a mis-click that brought you here after all. 

NOW THEN...

As promised, in the spirit of the Holidays, both profound and Hallmark, I present to you my top ten Holiday Season Linguistic Pet Peeves:

10) I have some trouble with "X-mas". The reason for this abbreviation seems to be that, quite a while ago, the word (and the term) "Christ" was represented by some as a labarum, a symbol that resembles a P with the stem crossed out. It's from the Ancient Greek. Is it me, or is it a little disingenuous to buy an iPod, wrap it up in festive holiday paper, and then write "Do not open 'till [archaic Greek symbol for Christian mythological figure]-mas" on it? 

9) DON'T confuse "Elfin" with "Elven". The former refers to the cute little creatures who labor (apparently for free) to create Santa's Christmas schwag and, I suppose, answer his telephone calls and e-mails. It also refers to size; Santa's elves are diminutive in stature to a comical degree. The latter refers to the mystical, magical literary figures who can be found, among other places, in the immortal work of Tolkien, Stanek, Lackey, and others. I doubt very much that Elrond of Rivendell is hammering a Tonka truck together in a workshop at the North Pole. If I find out that he is, I'm calling Amnesty International. Also, he is quite tall.

8) I think it's about time we stop saying "Yule". Unless you're referring to the pagan winter holiday of the hunt, we really don't need any more "yule candy", "yuletide cheer", or (I wish I were making this up) "Yule Pool gambling spectacular". 

7) Kwanzaa is a manufactured holiday. I'm sorry. I know I'm going to get into trouble for this, but it was invented in the 1970s. While it can be argued that all holidays were once new, let's give this one a while to age, shall we? If you want to start a discussion about the race modes involved in the Christmas holiday (and I heartily support you if you do), then let's all take a moment to ask ourselves why someone named Jeshua bar Joseph of Nazareth is almost always drawn and painted to look as though he's from Hackensack, NJ.

6) We have GOT to find a better moniker for the spouse of Santa Claus than "Mrs. Claus" or the abhorrent "Mary Christmas." Santa means "saintly" or "blessed", folks. It's an honorific, NOT HIS FIRST NAME. His first name is Claus. Are you coming with me? Blessed/Saintly Claus. To call the rubenesque, maternal beauty who lives in Santa Claus' house and serves him fattening dinners "Mrs. Claus" is akin to calling the President-Elect's lovely wife "Mrs. Barack." You see what I'm getting at.

5) Don't take it for granted that everyone wants to be wished a happy, joyous, merry, or otherwise enjoyable winter holiday of their choosing by someone who clearly hasn't the faintest idea of the cultural significance attached to it. For example, as the holidays approach in the fall, wishing a Jewish individual a "Happy Yom Kippur" in an effort to appear culturally enlightened is a bit of a faux pas, as on that day, Jews who observe are proscribed from eating, washing, sex, and wearing perfume and are exhorted to atone for their sins. Doesn't sound terribly merry, does it? It's a bit like telling someone to have a wild and crazy Lent.

4) Corollary to #5, it might not be a good idea to assume that everyone you encounter has or desires Christmas day off work. Remarking "ahh, I'm so looking forward to sitting around getting pleuthered on Egg Nog and stuffing myself full of ham" to a Muslim friend or to a Starbucks barista who happens to be working that day will not win you any points.

3) The next person to encounter me after I've come inside from Chicago's balmy -30 degree weather with a frostbitten nose the color of pain and suffering and quip "Oh, hi Rudolph" gets an icicle in the eye.

2) "Joyeux Noel" is pronounced "zhoy-yeu no-ell", not "joy-ooh, nole". If you're going to bother to say it in French, let's say it in French, shall we? Also, we do not pronounce the hard "CH" sound in "Channukah."

Aaaaaand the number one thing that harshes my holiday mellow around this season is:

1) If you wish me a "totally tubular Christmas" or a "Rockin' Hannukah", or Gods forbid, an "Awesome Holidaaiiieeee!", then quite simply, I'll scream. And then I'll hit you with whatever I'm holding in my hands. If that's a snow-shovel, so be it. 

In conclusion, I want everyone to enjoy themselves this season and all seasons, but let's just remember that what we say to each other has an impact, and one that can last until long after the Office Christmas party has wound down and the rug has been steam-cleaned. Let's all try to make our impact a good one. 

I wish everyone an enjoyable denominational or non-denominational observance of the Dark and Cold Season Where Everyone Gets Bitchy Because There's No %$#@ Sunlight. Peace.

-Entropy's Agent